OPENING SCENE
An apartment is the first scene we ever witness the detective Adrian Monk doing his thing, standing in his hospital booties to keep the floor pristine – in fact so is everyone there. He stands there like putting on a show for the attending cops, looking around the room of the murder victim – who is still lying on her stomach on the floor in a pool of blood – Nicole Vasques. He looks up and down trying to size up what he sees. The cops are breathless with anticipation, and there is tension in the air…when finally Mr. Monk at last speaks…
MONK: The stove…
COP: The stove. Over here. It's in the kitchen.
MONK: No, I mean my stove. I think I left it on.
SHARONA: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
MONK: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
SHARONA: The stove. Yeah.
MONK: The little knob, though?
His attending nurse and friend, Sharona Fleming looks mildly embarrassed. A part of her wishes he could once forget the insignificant details for the more important ones at hand. But, she knows that will never happen.
SHARONA: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
COP: Excuse me, sir, we believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked…
MONK: No, no. This was no burglary
COP: It wasn't?
MONK: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. - He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do…
SHARONA: Adrian. Adrian! [ Claps Hands ]
MONK: He was in here. He was waiting.
COP: Waiting for what?
MONK: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains.
MONK: [ Sniffs ] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
COP: Maybe she was the smoker.
MONK: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas.
MONK: Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it.
MONK: Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh –
COP: Nicole Vasques, 25.
MONK: Yeah, Miss Vasques, he - he hung around. He was, uh, looking for something.
COP: He was looking for what?
MONK: I don't know. He checked something on her computer. He could have erased a file.
COP: Anything else?
MONK: Yes, he's tall. - Because sometimes it goes out.
SHARONA: The pilot light is fine.
MONK: Do you remember the last time it almost went out?
SHARONA: Do you want me to drive back to the city and check?
MONK: No, no, no.
SHARONA: Is that what you're telling me to do?
MONK: Would you? Could you? Um - That would be great.
SHARONA: Oh, excuse me, gentlemen. Just one second, okay?
One of the cops looks at the head cop in confusion, and whispers something to him.
OTHER COP: Who is she?
COP: Just his nurse.
SHARONA: Forget about the damn stove, okay? You are on a job here. You're a private consultant.
MONK: I know, but I smelled it and I think –
SHARONA: You gotta shut up. The department thinks you're nuts. You're never gonna get reinstated, you're never gonna get hired again, and we are both gonna be unemployed. Do you understand the importance of what I am saying? Now, pull your twisted self together, concentrate and be brilliant. You're brilliant!
COP: Excuse me, sir, but how do you know all of that? I mean, about the computer –
MONK: It's patently obvious, isn't it? There are no prints on the keyboard, not even hers. Why? He used it. He wiped them clean.
COP: Right. And you said that he was tall.
MONK: The victim's short, maybe 5'4''. Look at the chair. It's lowered almost all the way.
COP: Wow! We've been here all morning, and nobody even noticed that!
Sharona smiles proudly at her boss as Adrian shrugs and grins back. It’s as if he’s saying ‘They’re easily impressed!’ It’s a cute moment.
COP: Sir, if you can stick around for a bit, the coroner's on his way.
MONK: No, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm pretty sure I smell gas.
SHARONA: I’m sorry, gentlemen. You know where to reach us.
OTHER COP: So that’s the famous Adrian Monk?
ANOTHER COP: Yeah, the living legend.
COP: If you call that living!
OPENING CREDITS – With Adrian doing a voice over
Adrian Monk’s apartment.
Adrian is boiling his toothbrush and counting the strokes as he examines himself in his bathroom mirror. He’s just wearing a white undershirt, and getting started for the day. He has an appointment with his psychiatrist, Dr. Charles Kroger.
MONK: 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40! Doc, I'm feeling great. Dr. Kroger - I'm doing great, Dr. Kroger!
Adrian is vacumning the ceiling of his house, he is rearranging his closet where practically all his shirts and suits are identical. He examines the police officer’s uniform there – it’s his, neatly wrapped and not touched since he last used it. He glances briefly at a picture of his wife in the hall, Trudy Monk – who died tragically in a car bomb explosion.
Now Adrian is standing in front of a full length mirror and admiring himself as he pulls out a tiny container of dental floss, he continues to pep talk himself as he goes about his routine.
MONK: You can't - you can't sweat the small stuff. Just keep going with the flow. It's a new me. It's a whole new me. And thanks to you - I owe it all to you. I feel like I'm back in the saddle. Took your advice, Doc. I'm going with the flow.
SCENE CHANGE
Dr. Kroger’s beautiful, Japanese-inspired offices. The interior has lofted ceilings, smoky-gray walls and two chairs facing the tall windows where we can see a fountain and a small meditation garden beyond. Adrian sits across from his doctor on the right.
KROGER: So...going with the flow?
Both men laugh as they seem to remember their previous discussions.
KROGER: Good. Good for you.
MONK: Yeah, in Santa Clara. I have an old friend there who's a second lieutenant...and... called me in.
KROGER: Well, how'd that make you feel? I mean, you know, being called in?
MONK: It feels great. It feels like old times. Back in the saddle.
KROGER: Well, do you think you're ready to go back full time??
MONK: Definitely! Absolutely! Do you think I'm ready? That's - that's the question…
KROGER: Are you okay?
MONK: Yeah, I'm fine.
KROGER: You keep looking at that pillow.
KROGER: How are you sleeping? Are you still having those dreams?
MONK: Well, Trudy and I were married for seven years. It would be weird if I - if I never dreamt about her, right? You're testing me, aren't you? You - you left it like that on purpose.
KROGER: Did I?
MONK: Okay. Okay. Yeah, so, anyway, um, I've - I've been feeling - Excuse me.
He can’t take the pressure anymore and just has to straighten the pillow…which he does as he runs across the room, leaning on the sofa and tackling the pillow. Dr. Kroger just watches him silently and in shock.
MONK: Hold it. That - That one's just -
Now he begins fiddling with a completely new pillow until he’s satisfied. Standing up, he twitches a bit, straightens his flower display briefly on a nearby coffee table before returning to his chair once more. Dr. Kroger just looks on speechless. Adrian sits down like nothing is wrong.
MONK: There. Then, uh - OK. No big deal. Where were we?
SCENE CHANGE
Warren St. Claire is giving a campaign speech outside in front of the local museum to a responsive crowd. The high platform is blanketed by bright red, white and blue balloons on one side and there is a band playing to get the crowd excited. Sitting behind Warren is his wife and his aides. Including Gavin Lloyd directing workers on how best to make the candidate look good on stage, and making sure it all runs smoothly. The crowd cheers and applauds.
WARREN: You people sound like you're ready for a change. Am I right, or am I right?
GAVIN: The band doesn't start playing until the balloons go, okay, right?
WARREN: San Francisco has a simple decision to make.
GAVIN: Wait for my cue.
WARREN: Do we tread water, or do we move ahead? But, hell, that's all right.
GAVIN: Hey, how we doing?
MIRANDA: I'm getting lockjaw, Gavin. When can I stop smiling?
WARREN: As my old man used to say...
MIRANDA: I've seen Sacramento, Gavin. It's hardly the promised land.
GAVIN: Forget Sacramento. I'm talking about the White House.
WARREN: Just remember, if you vote for me - you're getting two mayors for the price of one. My wife, Miranda.
WARREN: I'm not just talking the talk. I'm ready to walk the walk. Are you ready to walk with me?
CROWD: Yeah!
Suddenly, there are shots heard from nearby and everyone screams. On stage, Jason Ronstadt, the mayor elect’s bodyguard is hit and he goes down. Everyone dives for cover, Warren shields his wife and hides off stage as bodyguards go into defense mode. Gavin assists them by running to the edge of the stage and pointing up to the nearby hotel. As he does, a photographer snaps a picture of him.
GAVIN: He's up there! Up there!
Camera shutter clicks and then we see a shot of the next morning’s paper – Gavin is on the cover.
SCENE CHANGE
The office of Captain Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco Police Department. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing all morning, and the stress is getting to him. He looks up as his chief officer, Lieutenant Randy Disher comes running in. He’s a young officer with a keen appreciation of his captain’s skills. You can just sense it.
STOTTLEMEYER: Okay, I'll call you back. I'll call you back.
DISHER: Not yet. Just rah-rah stuff. He will not be silenced. He will not be intimidated.
STOTTLEMEYER: He will be blaming us soon enough. Everybody does sooner or later. We gotta make a statement too. Is the press here? Who's here?
DISHER: The girl from channel 3.
STOTTLEMEYER: The pretty one?
DISHER: No, the other one.
STOTTLEMEYER: It's okay.
DISHER: Good. Who do you want on camera?
STOTTLEMEYER: Me. I'll do it. I think it'll reassure people to see me taking point.
DISHER: Yes, sir.
STOTTLEMEYER: Anything on the shooter? Say yes!
DISHER: The forensic boys are still on site, but nothing so far.
The door opens then and in walks Sheldon Burger, a man that works directly for the mayor’s office. He looks more like his accountant than one of his main staffers. He doesn’t look pleased and seems pensive.
STOTTLEMEYER: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
BURGER: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell. If we don't slam dunk this…
STOTTLEMEYER: I understand.
BURGER: It's gonna look like we're not trying.
STOTTLEMEYER: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
BURGER: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in your old friend…
STOTTLEMEYER: Monk?!
SCENE CHANGE
The busy streets of San Francisco. Sharona is driving along in her slightly older-model stationwagon, animatedly talking to Adrian while she does and not paying full attention to the road. Adrian can’t help but notice this salient point and looks ready to jump from the car if necessary. He’s frantically waving his arms as he watches the traffic buzz by him. He looks on the verge of a hernia. A horn blares.
MONK: Bus! Bus! Bus!
SHARONA: I still can't believe this. The mayor asked for you personally!
MONK: There's a bus on the right!
SHARONA: Oh, this is great. This is gonna get you back on the force.
MONK: I already have a job, remember? The girl in Santa Clara? Merging! Merging! Everybody's mer -
SHARONA: You want to drive?! You want to drive?!
MONK: What lane are you in??
SHARONA: I'll sit there and yell and point and drive you nuts, because you’re driving me nuts, Adrian!
MONK: Sorry. It's red! It's red! Come on, it's red!
Sharona’s tires screech.
SCENE CHANGE
A conference center. There is a gathering of reporters outside the tall, modern building that glows with the sunshine coming in through the huge windows lining every wall. Stottlemeyer and Disher are awaiting the arrival of Sharona and Adrian as they want to brief them before going in to meet with the mayor elect and his staff. Sharona is chatting on the phone as she runs in the front door with Adrian.
SHARONA: Be cool. No, not today. You can't today.
DISHER: Look who's here - the defective detective.
STOTTLEMEYER: Hello, Monk!
MONK: Captain.
DISHER: Sharona.
SHARONA: Hi.
STOTTLEMEYER: You look good! Dr. Kroger says you've been getting out some.
SHARONA: Oh, he is really doing great. I can't even keep up with him. Thanks.
STOTTLEMEYER: Excellent. The candidate is waiting for us upstairs. I wanted to make this crystal clear…you're here because the mayor thinks you can walk on water, but you're a civilian now, Monk. When I'm in there, I talk. You say nothing, understand? Look, Monk, when I took your badge three years ago, I told you nothing would give me more pleasure than to see you reinstated, and I meant that. But you're obviously not ready.
MONK: Is that you talking or the uniform?
STOTTLEMEYER: l am the uniform, Monk! You didn't understand that back when I was your watch commander.
MONK: …And I'm sure you and Karen will work things out.
STOTTLEMEYER: What did you say?
MONK: You and your wife - you're having some problems.
STOTTLEMEYER: What are you talking about? Karen and I are fine. We're 100%!
MONK: Yes, sir. My mistake. Um, never been happier to be wrong.
STOTTLEMEYER: Hey, Monk, come here! How did you know that?
MONK: You missed a spot shaving. Karen would have caught that. And your necktie - she always ties it for you. She used that double slipknot. Conclusion - you dressed yourself.
MONK: And, uh, the Ramada Inn cup. Send her some... roses maybe.
STOTTLEMEYER: When we get in there, you don't say anything!
SCENE CHANGE
Interior of the large conference room. Surrounding the long conference table are much of Warren St. Clair’s staff and his wife. The captain, Disher, Sharona and Adrian are also in attendance. Adrian is standing near a large chart of the constituancy of San Francisco marked off with tacks on a map. As he listens to the conversation, he begins straighten up papers and soon starts fiddling with the chart itself. Gavin is animated as he starts to pace around the room.
GAVIN: We're four points behind with ten days to go. I am not putting my man in a box!
STOTTLEMEYER: Nobody wants to put anybody in a box, Mr. Lloyd. All we want to do is limit your public appearances...and not announce your schedule in advance.
GAVIN: The mayor would love that! Maybe we should move the whole campaign and run it from the basement!
WARREN: Gavin, that's not fair. The captain's just doing his job.
STOTTLEMEYER: Mr. St. Claire, can you think of anybody who might wish you harm? A disgruntled employee?
MIRANDA: Or an ex-wife. Or a union official. I know a couple of ex-business partners who no longer send us Christmas cards. You boys have your work cut out for you!
WARREN: A man who hasn't made any enemies hasn't done squat!
Another one of Warren’s staff speaks up, his name is Jesse Goodman, he’s a good friend of Warren and Miranda. As they are going about introductions, Adrian starts rearranging the pins on the chart by colors at the top, row by row – no one notices…
JESSE: Warren, you're sure you want to go through with this? After yesterday, no one would blame you if you quit.
STOTTLEMEYER: Excuse me. We haven't been introduced. I'm sorry. Who are you?
JESSE: Uh, Jesse Goodman. I work upstairs. Senior vice president/concerned friend.
WARREN: I couldn't make this run ifJesse wasn't upstairs minding the store.
Warren looks up to see his wife going for some liquor on a nearby metal tray. She picks up the glass decanter and serves herself a drink.
WARREN: Baby… Do you need that?
MIRANDA: Yes, I do! Somebody tried to kill my husband yesterday right in front of me.
Suddenly, the captain sees what’s happening with Adrian and the tacks and sees his career going out the window. Miranda and the others notice it too.
STOTTLEMEYER: [ WHISPERS ] Monk!
MIRANDA: Excuse me! What - what are you doing?!
Gavin panics and runs over to the board to salvage what he can before Adrian totally destroys all his work.
GAVIN: Oh, my God! Excuse me! That's color coded by voting precinct. It took me three weeks to set this up.
MONK: Sorry...
STOTTLEMEYER: [ WHISPERS ] Monk!
MIRANDA: What department are you with?!
STOTTLEMEYER: Ma'am, this is Adrian Monk. He's no longer with our department. He's here as a private consultant.
MONK: I'll put them all back the way they were.
GAVIN: No, you can’t – you can’t possibly no where every one goes!
SHARONA: Yes, he can!
Adrian grabs a hold of the chart and now both he and Gavin are wrestling it for supremacy.
MONK: It won't take too long. It'd take one second.
Sharona senses the worst and begs for him to let go, screaming across the room.
SHARONA: Adrian, let go of the board!
The moment he does, there is the inevitable – a flurry of multi-colored tacks sprinkle everywhere on top of the nearby table. Miranda looks shocked, Sharona covers her mouth and Stottlemeyer sees his future disappear.
SCENE CHANGE – MOMENTS LATER
Same scene, but this time we observe everyone seated back at the table. We catch a glimpse of Adrian Monk’s hand reaching into a nearby bowl for some tacks as he methodically begins placing them back on the chart. The others talk about him, but he doesn’t hear a word they say…it’s almost like he’s not in the room.
GAVIN: Captain, you said he's no longer with the department?
STOTTLEMEYER: He was given a 315. Psychological discharge.
DISHER: It's a temporary suspension.
SHARONA: It's a temporary suspension. Psychological discharge.
MIRANDA: Someone tries to kill my husband, and you send in Rain Man?
STOTTLEMEYER: Ma’am, having Adrian Monk assist us on the case is an indication of just how seriously we are taking this case.
GAVIN: Is he, uh – ?
SHARONA: No, no. Um, it's a form of anxiety disorder. A severe case like this is usually triggered by a single traumatic incident. His wife was murdered four years ago - a car bomb.
MONK: There!
Gavin comes closer and can’t understand how he did it – but he did it, all back in the right place.
GAVIN: Unbelievable!
MONK: Wait!
Adrian moves a couple pieces around and then, he’s happy.
MONK: There. Now I'd like to see...where the shots were fired from.
SCENE CHANGE
Inside the hotel, a vacant room that looks under renovation. The police are investigating every corner of the room, it’s well lit as Adrian Monk goes around to soak up the clues. He holds out his hand and sizes up the situation. The captain looks at him, and begins following his footsteps in awe. Randy, Sharona and a female police officer are observing from the open doorway.
FEMALE COP: What's he doing?
SHARONA: I love this part. He does this Zen, Sherlock Holmes thing.
MONK: He used a drawstring to steady his shot. I've seen it before in the field manual...for the Green Berets, Special Forces.
STOTTLEMEYER: It's possible…
MONK: Captain, could you grab this? It'll just take a minute. Hold this up like a rifle!
STOTTLEMEYER: Right.
MONK: How tall are you?
STOTTLEMEYER: 6’0".
MONK: No, really...
STOTTLEMEYER 5'11''.
MONK: Our guy was taller - 6'3'', maybe 6'4'', just like Santa Clara.
STOTTLEMEYER: Just like what?
MONK: The homicide in Santa Clara. We've been consulting on it.
STOTTLEMEYER: I read about that. It's a completely different M.O. You think there's a connection because this guy might be tall? Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line! I want to talk to Antawn Jamison, see if he's got an alibi for Thursday morning.
MONK: Captain, do you know the percentage of men over 6'3''?
STOTTLEMEYER: No. Do you?
MONK: Maybe 0.5. The odds of two men in this city in that category, committing premeditated murder within two days of each other are astronomical.
STOTTLEMEYER: All because of a twisted venetian-blind cord? Monk, that's a stretch, even for you.
MONK: That and he wore slippers. …And he smokes Newports.
STOTTLEMEYER: This isn't police work! This - this is vaudeville!
MONK: He's already killed two – two…
As he starts to debate it further, he casually leans over and glances out the window. The moment he does, he realizes how far up he really is. His knees turn to jello as he grabs the window sill for support. Sharona runs to his side and moves her arm around his waist to steady him. She walks quickly past the frustrated captain and his lieutenant as they walk quickly out of the room, their arms around one another.
SCENE CHANGE
Gavin Lloyd’s main offices for the Warren St. Clair campaign. It’s buzzing with activity, there are people on phones making calls, computers everywhere and banners and posters lining every wall. Amongst these people is Jake, one of the volunteers showing Adrian and Sharona over to his computer.
JAKE: Oh, right here. Yes. Oh. Uh, so, um, V- A- S- ?
SHARONA: Q-U-E-S- Nicole Vasques!
JAKE: I don't know her, but that doesn't mean anything. I've only been here a couple days. But let's see.
JAKE: Well, she's not a volunteer. And she's not on staff. Sorry.
MONK: Jake, my name's Adrian Monk. Here's my card. If you think of anything, you give me a call.
JAKE: Okay, sure.
SCENE CHANGE
Inside a local cathedral. There is a funeral taking place for Jason Ronstadt. His family and friends are there, as well as Warren St. Clair’s group. In the pews sit Miranda and Jesse, listening to the services. Warren is up front giving a heartfelt eulogy. Up in the balcony section, Adrian and Sharona are observing the ceremony. Outside, the church bells toll. Jason is laid out in an ornate coffin up at the front of the church.
WARREN: Well - what does a man say about a friend who took a bullet that was meant for him? When I heard Jason had passed...
SHARONA: This guy is too good to be true.
MONK: Maybe he's a decent man. Isn't that possible?
WARREN: And then, I talked to Risa, Jason's mother, and she reminded me her son was no quitter.
SHARONA: You know what I think? I think he did it.
MONK: Who?
SHARONA: St. Claire. You can't buy this kind of publicity!
WARREN: See it through, or why begin at all.
MONK: I think this case and the girl in Santa Clara...are connected somehow.
As Adrian talks, he begins rifling through his pockets for something.
SHARONA: So who?
MONK: Someone who knew them both. Someone, uh –
Sharona notices what he’s doing as he gets more and more frantic.
SHARONA: What are you doing?
MONK: Do you have my keys? I can't find my keys. Did you put them in your bag?
SHARONA: I don't touch your keys, 'cause if I touch your keys, you'd freak out! Calm down!
She tries to hold down his arms as he begins flailing away, but its not doing much good. Meanwhile below, Miranda spies him and nudges Jesse to look above him to where there is a power struggle taking place.
WARREN: John Donne said, ""The democracy of death- '"
SHARONA: Adrian, just stop it! Just a second!
WARREN: Everyone who knew Jason remembers him and loves him. Let's remember Jason as he was.
MONK: I got them. Okay. I got them right here. Okay. Such a relief, you know?
Adrian begins to casually twirl them on the end of his finger. As to be expected, they fly up into the air and neatly fall into Jason Ronstadt’s open coffin below. They are lying next to the dead man’s hand. Sharona covers her eyes. Adrian peers over the edge of the balcony, all we see is his frantic face.
WARREN: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket...
Adrian nearly jumps over the side of the balcony after them until Sharona reaches over to restrain him. He’s making a scene.
SHARONA: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just relax - it's okay!
MONK: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's.
Adrian tries to reach across Sharona for a nearby paperclip off of one of the church flyers. Sharona bats his hand away in frustration.
MONK: Just give it to me!
SHARONA: No!
WARREN: Jason showed up every Sunday -
Finally, Adrian goes ahead and ignores her complaints, grabbing the flyer. She shoots him a dirty look.
SHARONA: You are going straight to hell!
MONK: I am in hell!
Now, Adrian retrieves his handy container of dental floss from his pocket, Sharona gives him another angered look. He pauses and goes back to work - like MacGyver – he makes a little fishing rod out of it, preparing to rescue his keychain below. Sharona can’t look at him, she’s humiliated.
WARREN: May his loving spirit live forever...why don't we take a moment and meditate silently?
Everyone lowers their eyes in the congregation. As they do, we see the little floss descend in front of us with Adrian’s trusty makeshift paperclip. Slowly it descends into the casket. Adrian manuevers it around until with success it hooks on to something – unfortunately that something is Jason Ronstadt’s cufflink.
WARREN: Now... old friend...we turn and salute you one last time.
Everyone stands and raises their hands towards the coffin in salute. Suddenly, Adrian jerks the floss up and so it appears Jason has just raised his own arm to do to the same to the onlookers. Several women scream and gasps are heard. A family member nearly faints.
SCENE CHANGE
Moments later outside of the church. Several angry family and friends leave. Miranda appears on her husband, Warren’s arm. Jesse is at their side.
JESSE: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
Suddenly, Adrian jumps outside the door, possibly being chased by an irrate relative shaking her purse at him.
WOMAN: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Miranda looks up and sees him standing off to the side.
MIRANDA: Do you lie awake at night...thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
MONK: No, ma’am – I lie awake trying not to think at all.
WARREN: Now, Miranda – it will be alright. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: ""Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead.'' Where's my boy?
JESSE: Here, sir!
WARREN: Make sure Miranda gets home.
JESSE: Of course.
MONK: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
MIRANDA: Let me ask you a question. How can you be expected to help my husband?! I hear you’re afraid of heights, crowds... and milk.
SHARONA: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
MIRANDA: Ah…
MONK: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
MIRANDA: No!
So Adrian tries a different tact, he runs after Warren St. Claire and gets his attention. He shows him the picture of Nicole as well. There are reporters hovering around St. Clair. He answers Adrian’s questions while smiling to them.
MONK: Sir?
WARREN: …No. No.
MONK: Sir, did you know her? Uh, Nicole Vasques?
WARREN: Uh, no. Should I?
MONK: ...No. No reason you should.…Excuse me.
MIRANDA: Jesse…
MONK: Ma'am, if you could take another look. Nicole Vasques…
MIRANDA: I don't know anyone by that name. What I do know is if my husband is elected mayor, you will never work in this town again!
SHARONA: Let's go…
MONK: Are you registered to vote?
SHARONA: I never vote. It only encourages them. Ugh! Let's get out of here. She makes me sick!
As they return back to her Volvo, Adrian hesitates and watches Miranda sitting cozy like with Jesse, sipping champagne and giggling. Almost like they are toasting an event. He begins to wonder about her motives.
The sky opens up and it begins to rain. Sharona takes out her umbrella and they run off for her car.
MONK: Do you know how much she’s worth?
SHARONA: No.
MONK: $150 million.
SHARONA: Here!
MONK: They were talking about it on the radio...that's a lot of motive.
SHARONA: Yes, it is. Are you trying to kill yourself?
ADRIAN: Maybe.
SCENE CHANGE
Back at the SFPD Precinct. Adrian and Sharona are sitting in chairs next to one of the offices in the middle of the station’s busy workroom. The phones are ringing, several plain-clothed officers are going about their business. Sharona’s hair is down and it looks like the rain got the better of it, Adrian sits nervously next to her. He casually starts playing with his keys, before Sharona puts her hand on his arm to stop him. In walks Stottlemeyer eyeing the pair warily.
STOTTLEMEYER: Miranda St. Claire called the mayor personally. You couldn't just buy another key chain?
SHARONA: Trudy gave it to him. It's irreplaceable!
DISHER: Captain, we just got the forensic report back. Yeah, but we caught a lucky break. One was still intact. They I.D.'d the weapon. It's a Weatherby Fibermark rifle,
MONK: …Which is British -
DISHER: …It's British.
MONK: Long-range, preferred by mercenaries and paramilitary groups.
DISHER: That's right. He's right.
STOTTLEMEYER: Well, start a list of weapons and/or ammunitions sales.
DISHER: Yes, sir.
MONK: Could you check that against Nicole Vasques??
DISHER: ...Who?
SHARONA: The homicide in Santa Clara.
DISHER: Sir, your 10:00?
STOTTLEMEYER: The cases don't overlap, Monk. She worked for the DMV. He was a candidate for mayor. She was behind on her rent, he has houses all over the world. He was stabbed. She was shot. Let it go.
The captain walks out, instead of following, Adrian and Sharona run out a side door.
SHARONA: Are we gonna let it go?
MONK: Hell, no!
SHARONA: What are we gonna do now?
MONK: We're gonna follow the money!
He does a little cheer and squares his shoulders.
MONK: Mmmhhh! Awhhh! l've always wanted to say that!
SCENE CHANGE
At a kindergarten, Miranda St. Claire is reading to the kids a fairytale. It’s primarily a publicity stunt, cameras and people circle the kids sitting on the floor around Miranda’s feet. Adrian and Sharona are watching at a safe distance. Adrian is off by himself, sandwiched between a reporter and another person. He observes the kids coughing and sneezing around him to great consternation.
MIRANDA: ""The queen said to the royal doctor, I'm so worried about the princess. She has all the emeralds and rubies and riches...""
Adrian notices another kid coughing nearby and tries to move back into the crowd out of the direct germ air space. Sharona is smiling at some of the cops near her and then, she spots Adrian, but she’s too far away to help him.
MIRANDA: "'…in the kingdom, but she never laughs. ‘Who can make the princess laugh?' They called the courtjester.""
Some more kids start coughing. Adrian, in fear, does the only thing he can. He takes the sweater he’s wearing and lifts it up over his nose, buttoning it to protect himself. He takes a seat near the wall, right next to a little blonde-haired kid.
MIRANDA: ""The court jester, as everyone knew, was the silliest and funniest court jester that ever there was. With a jingle and a jangle, he rolled into the court. 'Jester,' said the queen, the princess has forgotten how to laugh!’ 'When shall I start?' he asked.""
Adrian looks over at the little boy beside him, his eyes grow wide with fear as the little boy begins to pick his nose. He is voiceless to stop him.
MIRANDA: "'Just then, the princess entered the court, and everyone fell silent. 'Now is as good a time as any,' she said.'"
More kids start coughing.
MIRANDA: ""The jester turned and greeted the princess, and he bowed, he rolled end over end, and when he stopped, flowers appeared in his - ''
Suddenly, the little boy lifts his snotty finger up to his mouth. Adrian jumps up in horror, shielding his eyes and banging into a child’s painting tacked to the wall behind him. It falls on him.
MONK: AAH!
SCENE CHANGE
Sharona gives Adrian a wipe and he swipes his brow and throat with it. He’s calmed down considerably now after the terrifying kid incident. They stand in front of children’s desks. The room is quiet now, everyone has left. But, Miranda St. Clair comes in from a side door. She doesn’t look too pleased to be there. The school bell rings.
SHARONA: Are you okay?
MONK: Yeah, I'm better. - Where is she?
SHARONA: I don't know.
MONK : Just give me a moment, please. There she is. Hey, you're great with the kids.
MIRANDA: Yeah, well, it's easy when you don't have any of your own. Let's get this over with. I have a fundraiser in Denver tonight.
MONK : Sure. Sure. I, uh, only have... a couple of questions, Mrs. St. Claire. Just basic... background stuff... really. Uh, do you have any bank accounts in your own name?
MIRANDA : No.
MONK : Do you wanna maybe take some notes here?
SHARONA : No, I'll remember it.
MONK : Yeah, it's probably better to write it down.
SHARONA : You don't think I can remember?
MONK : How long have you, uh, and Warren been married?
MIRANDA : Five years.
MONK : Must be tough. He's so busy, and now he's running for mayor. I would think that would be kind of... kind of stressful.
MIRANDA : You've been married, right?
MONK : Yes, uh, I have.
MIRANDA : Then I don't have to tell you every marriage is stressful. That's why they call it "marriage." Is there anything else?
MONK : Yeah. Are you, uh, are you going to be seeing Mr. Goodman later?
MIRANDA : Jesse?
MONK : Jesse.
MIRANDA : Why do you ask?
MONK : Well, if you see him, you know, uh, just... would you tell him to call me? Because I just... I'd love to talk to him. And, you know, if you see him.
MIRANDA : Are you accusing me of something, Mr. Monk?
MONK : I don't know. Are you guilty of something?
MIRANDA : You seem like an intelligent person. On occasion. Warren is the first man in my life that never gave up on me. Last week, if I could have, I would have taken that bullet myself. You have to believe me.
MONK : Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.
MIRANDA : I'm leaving now.
SHARONA : There's no doubt in my mind that witch did it. (at phone) Hello? Adrian, it's for you. Okay?
MONK : Yeah, this is Monk.
JAKE : Mr. Monk, it's Jake from the St. Claire campaign. I think I found something.
MONK : I'll be right there.
JAKE : Actually, I was about to leave. I can drop it off. I'll be there in a halfhour.
MONK : Good. I'll meet you there.
GAVIN : That a personal call?
MONK : I may be a little late.
GAVIN : All right, my beautiful people, I love every one of you, but these envelopes will not get stuffed by themselves.
Later
JAKE : No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no! No, thanks. No, not today! Come on, I just cleaned it! Come on! All right. Fine, fine. That's fine.
SCENE CHANGE
A park in the rain. Stottlemeyer and Disher are examining clues of a jake's car that has apparently run off the side of the road. Adrian and Sharona are standing on top of the hillside, they refuse to come down to talk to the captain who is barely able to stand and Disher using a rope not to fall down the side to the parking lot below.
DISHER : Hey, Captain. Captain. Captain, we got the preliminary. Probable accident... severe blunt trauma to the head.
STOTTELMEYER : Okay.
SHARONA : Captain? Captain? Are there any documents in the car, like a notebook?
SHARONA : Captain?
STOTTELMEYER : What?
SHARONA : Check his hat.
STOTTELMEYER : What?
SHARONA : He used to carry things in his hat.
STOTTELMEYER : Was there a hat?
DISHER : They didn't pull anything.
SHARONA: [ SHOUTING ] He wasn't wearing a hat!
STOTTLEMEYER: What are you doing? Come on down! The accident scene's down here!
She talks to Adrian who whispers something in her ear. Stottlemeyer is obviously growing frustrated of playing Monk games.
SHARONA: [ SHOUTING ] He's not wearing the right shoes today…
STOTTLEMEYER: Not wearing the right shoes today. The port authority's calling it an accident. It's a single-car accident.
MONK: No, no. No, this was no accident. There's no skid marks on the road.
STOTTLEMEYER: It's wet! You're not the only detective here, Monk! I checked for skid marks. It happens all the time on this hill. You hit this curve at 85, 90 miles an hour. Ftt! Boom!
MONK: No. No, this was staged. He was killed somewhere else.
STOTTLEMEYER: Maybe you could tell me where this murder took place? That would be very helpful.
MONK: Cole Avenue and 17 th Street.
STOTTLEMEYER: How could you possibly know that?
MONK: We were meeting at my house. He probably took Cole. I'm thinking he was killed at that stop sign on 17 th Street.
STOTTLEMEYER: Why 17 th?
MONK: There's a homeless shelter there. I'm thinking somebody approached the car, started washing the window and then attacked him. You can see the windshield even better from here.
STOTTLEMEYER: Go check the windshield.
SHARONA: Go, Adrian. Excuse me, Officer.
STOTTLEMEYER: Son of a bitch!
SHARONA: Adrian, this officer is gonna drive you home, okay? Thank you. Behave yourself!. He's armed.
MONK: Why? Where you going?
SHARONA: I have a date. I told you about it.
MONK: Oh, I thought you were joking.
SHARONA: You thought I was joking? Why? You don't think I could possibly have a date?
MONK: No, I didn't mean that.
SHARONA: What is so funny about me dating, Adrian?
MONK: Nothing. Sorry. It's just - it's Tuesday. It's chicken potpie night.
SHARONA: Don't be such a baby! My 11-year-old kid can bake a chicken potpie. I'll see you later, okay?
SCENE CHANGE
Inside Adrian Monk’s apartment. He has a small TV going on his kitchen counter and is half watching it while talking to someone on the phone. His hands are cloaked in rubber gloves and he’s wearing a blue apron as he is getting set to prepare his dinner. Benjy is on the other end.
MONK: Okay. Okay. Slow down. Slow down one second. All right, then you said 2/3 of a cup - 2/3 -
We see Sharona’s apartment, Benjy is on a computer in the living room, suddenly his mom – ready for her night on the town, comes up and takes the phone from his hand.
SHARONA: Who are you on the phone with?
BENJY: No one.
SHARONA: Give me the phone.
SHARONA: Monk, is that you? Okay, I'm hanging up now. And don't call back. Benjy's got homework. Lots of it.
MONK: Don't hang up!! No! Benjy, call me back!
SCENE CHANGE
Interior of a fancy restaurant. Sharona is there with her date, Carl. They are discussing her frustration working with Adrian Monk. She looks animated as they chat over a glass of white wine and pleasant music plays in behind them.
CARL: He sounds certifiable.
SHARONA: Ohh. It's the worst job I ever had.
CARL: Yeah? So why don't you quit?
SHARONA: Well, because it's also the best job I ever had. I'm having adventures. I can't believe it. I'm putting bad guys behind bars. I feel like, um - what is her name? Superman's girlfriend…
CARL: Oh, Lois Lane!
SHARONA: I mean, how many practical nurses can say that? Not many.
CARL: You see, that looks so fine on you.
SHARONA: What, the dress?
CARL :The smile.
SHARONA : Oh. Thank you.
MONK : Five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten.
TV ; We have some new footage of the event that was taken by a tourist. I should warn you, some of this is very graphic. Make way for the mayor!
CARL : To moderation in all things, hmm? Except love.
MONK : Hey.
SHARONA : Monk, what are you doing here?
MONK : I was watching the news. There was a videotape of the St. Claire thing. Something about it just does not add up.
CARL : Mr. Monk, I presume?
MONK : You must be Carl from the health club.
CARL : Well, uh, why don't you join us?
SHARONA : No, he shouldn't. You know, two's company, three's a crowd, and Monk hates crowds, don't you?
MONK : I feel okay when you're around. Boy, this is nice, isn't it?
SHARONA : I forgot. What were we talking about?
CARL : England.
SHARONA : Oh, my God, that's right. Um, Carl said that, uh, he was talking about living in England. He was a Rhodes Scholar.
MONK : No kidding!
SHARONA : Yeah. He graduated magna cum laude.
MONK : Cum laud.
SHARONA : Right. I know. And now he has a private practice. He's an entertainment lawyer. Guess who he represents. Can I tell him?
CARL : Yeah, sure.
SHARONA : Francis Ford Coppola.
CARL : Yeah, but it's no big deal. A tabloid wrote something about him... that, you know, he was drunk at the Oscars, so now we're suing them for slander.
MONK : I don't know what to do here. I'm no good at this. Okay. This man is lying to you. He's not a lawyer.
CARL : What?
MONK : Oxford doesn't have a magna cum laud, and you sue a newspaper for libel, not slander. I'll just shut up. Forget I said anything. It's no big deal, Carl. Well, that looks... What the hell is that?
Later
MONK : What should I have done? Just let him lie to you?
SHARONA : Yes. Yes. It was a first date. Taxi! Everybody embellishes their resume. It's called "human nature." Do you think I told him about Benjy? About that summer I spent dancing in Atlantic City? No.
MONK : What kind of dancing?
SHARONA : I can't do this anymore. I quit.
MONK : Not again.
SHARONA : No. No. I mean it this time. I'm sending my sister over for my stuff.
MONK : You know you're just gonna come back.
SHARONA : Don't tell me what I'm gonna do. You think you know everything? Believe it or not, you don't know me that well.
MONK : All right. Let's just go back inside.
SHARONA : No. No. It's too late. Look... I have responsibilities now. I got a kid. And I think I have to find a normal job... before I go completely crazy.
MONK : Like me. Like me? Well, I'll never forget you.
SHARONA : You never forget anything. Valencia and 28th.